The Homoeopathic Basis of Astrology

It makes me really sad that there are so many people in the world today who find it fashionable to go against our culture. They go in for surgery and allopathic medicine instead of ayurveda, eat rotis and rice instead of traditional Indian grains, and some people don't even wear pottus.
All these are passive ways of abandoning our culture. But some people go even further and criticise and mock it. For example, there are some who claim that astrology has no scientific basis and doesn't work.
This is nonsense. If astrology didn't work, why have we been using it for six thousand years? And if it has no scientific validity, why is it so accurate?
And besides, the scientific concept behind astrology is quite clear. All the heavenly bodies emit rays which fall on the earth and affect us. Gravity is part of the same rays which is why the earth goes around the sun and the moon causes tides. Obviously planets that are even larger than the moon will have an even bigger effect on us.
But people still aren't satisfied. They say that because the planets are so far away, they have even less gravitational effect on us than the doctors and the nurses doing the delivery. This is such a stupid argument. Planets have rays. Doctors and nurses don't. Have you ever seen doctors and nurses emitting rays?
And even the argument that the constellations and planets are so far away that they have very little effect is false. Of course they will have very little effect if you think of their effect working in a similar fashion to gravity. But the fact is that it does not work in a Newtonian way. It works in a homoeopathic way.
In homoeopathy the drug does not work by itself. Instead, you keep diluting it in water. Eventually, for every molecule of the drug, there are at least one quintillion quintillion quintillion quintillion molecules of water, all of which have been imprinted with the curative properties of the drug. And when you have all these water molecules acting in your body, you get cured much faster than if you had simply taken a few molecules of the drug itself. In fact, the more you dilute the drug, the more potent it becomes.
Unfortunately, only certain drugs are able to have this effect on water, otherwise we could have used homoeopathic technology for so much more. Just imagine, we could diluted one drop of petrol in a swimming pool of water and used it to run all our cars. There wouldn't have been any need for Bush to invade Iraq (or come to that, Saddam to invade Kuwait). The regular crisis we have of not having enough blood donors could have been solved too - just keep diluting blood platelets in water and use the water instead. Sigh.
The one saving grace is that along with original homoeopathic drugs, alcohol too is able to leave its imprint on water molecules, and so a bunch of people in Liverpool have invented homoeopathic vodka. It's sad that it took two hundred years to apply the principles of homoeopathy to this noble cause, but better late than never. On the other hand, once this becomes widespread, it could lead to widespread cheating on the excise duty on alcohol. People will be able to pass off homoeopathic beer as being plain water, since it will be physically and chemically indistinguishable. Kingfisher beer will be disguised as Kingfisher mineral water - taking surrogate advertising to a whole new level.
But back to our original point - astrology. The silly argument of distance is solved once you realise that astrology works on a homoeopathic basis. Just as in the medicinal application, the effect is not of the drug itself but of the water molecules it has been diluted with, in astrology the effect is not of the heavenly body itself but of the ether in space between it and you as a person.
Naturally, the more ether there is between you and the planet, the more will be the effect of the planet on you. And the more the distance is, the more ether there is to carry the effect. Now it all fits together - this is why Saturn, the planet farthest away from Earth has the worst effect on you. This is also why black holes, despite being both farther away and far bigger than planets, don't have any astrological impact - because they keep sucking in all the ether and so their effect can't be transmitted on to Earth.
I hope this will convince the detractors of astrology that it is as scientifically valid as homoeopathy, and as deserving of intense study, respect, and support. My only regret is that I was too pressed for time to extend this article to tarot and reiki as well, but perhaps that can be saved for a later column.

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